March 31, 2020 4:53pm
Getting over yourself requires you to focus on something outside of yourself, to be one with someone or something that engages your attention so much so that you are fully immersed in a flow state. Establishing the flow state is the hardest thing, because if your flow state isn’t in finance or something that pays well, you are probably disrupted by the ability to flow forth right. Throughout my life I have developed numerous flow states. I’ve developed a flow state in writing, painting, glassblowing, guitar, meditation, and maybe writing at this point. However, maybe this is too much. I’ve begun to cut out some states to focus more on others. Glassblowing is expensive, and if you don’t have (a) capital and (b) a flow state in interopersonal communication, you are probably going to have a hard time selling the work you want to make.
What does it mean to be sensitive, are we all sensitive? When offended, do you become defensive, numb, angry, sad? I feel as if I am sensitive to a fault, I have a hard time with rejection, but I feel as though if I didn’t I would be somewhat of a narcissist. In America, this might actually be a good thing. Maybe not just America, but a few countries that carry a rugged mantra. Survival of the fittest, more like survival of those who have the greater connections and capital in their favor. Generational wealth has always been there, but in a capitalist society generational wealth perpetuates despite royalty. This seems good, however, it still creates corporate empires that control populous of people that must do a job in exchange for their comfort in the empire.
March 31, 2020 4:28pm
The STARworks residency I had from May 15 to June 15 2020 has officially been cancelled. I suppose that’s okay considering how the pandemic might effect my income. I am trying to maintain a positive outlook. I have high energy towards some glass work, I keep imagining seeing these forms I’ve been working on come to life. I have low physical energy, I’d like to change that. I “should” put myself on a routine. Screaming sounds nice, physical excursion sounds nice. Isn’t there some sort of therapeutic yelling, punching or kicking program? I think that would be appropriate. I feel better after a nap, maybe my moodiness is a derivative of skipping breakfast to go grocery shopping. I have a strong desire to leave, change location, escape. A road trip sounds nice, being alone with my partner on a long stretch of land. Sunshine, I think everyone could use some sunshine right about now. When the things that are getting me through the pandemic start to become affected by the pandemic I start to break down a little. I know I’m not as bad off as some, but being on the brink is stressful. Its not even that I’m worried, but more just disappointed by the lack of opportunities for artists or passion driven careers. We need art, artists, entertainment, decor. These things create confidence and promote motivation, creation, inspiration. New things are a product of intellectual ideas, experimentation, exploration, and not just gambling. America, “the angry and addicted.” Privy for a positive outlook, security for serenity. The financial fathers take more than they need, becasue the power of getting and maintain wealth is our ultimate need. Society is scared of sympathy, we must be tough, and accept death as a good thing, becasue those who die are weak, not underprivileged, but weak and in need of disposal.
Life isn’t a latter to be climbed, but rather a ball to move around. Words like better, bigger, longer, stronger, the “ers” of our labels imply there is something to be won, always more to gain and if you choose not to grow you will die. We should be able to maintain our lives by doing nothing, and sharing with one another completely. Natives had it right. Greed and excess is our new standard. We compare our age to an average or a standard of quality of life. What percentile am I? I think I’m in the 50th percentile. I heard a statistic that 40% of the population (in America, I think) has less than $500 in savings, resulting in the need to work tirelessly. I have a little more, but I’m not sure if that is becasue I am able to carry debt.
March 30, 2020 9:44pm
Well, another day under the belt. Had some ups and downs. Foremost, the Amos Memorial Public Library doesn’t want my work. I feel as if I might have confused them with my intentions. You can’t please everyone all the time, back to the drawing board I guess. I have to admit I felt the tone of the rejection email was completely out of line, considering how understanding I was trying to be with regards to their decision before I knew what they were thinking. You think for a small town library they’d practice more kindness and patience. Who knows what they are going through, maybe there is a lot to think about we are in the midst of the Corona virus pandemic after all. But, what do you expect people to do, stop working on their passion projects give up and just watch the news for hours?! I bet it’s not the case that they have a lot to do… I think people generally just don’t want to work more than they have to, and don’t understand the value of art and freak out when their lives become uncomfortable. My life has been consistantly uncomfortable, the pursuit of passion doesn’t exactly pay very well in all scenarios. I think a kind response such as, “we are not prepared to accept your donation at this time, however we are very pleased with your willingness to do so” would have been sufficient. I would have felt good after that, instead I’m thinking of how to get this lady off the board.
On a positive note I have another Patron on Patreon, I think it’s one of my mom’s friends… they [mom’s friends’] seem to be my biggest supporters in some ways. Man, it is extremely hard to get your worth making art… Maybe I have to lower my expectations, I can’t keep accumulating debt at this point I think I have to pay off what I owe before I can even get anymore. That’s a whole other thing. A generation in debt, that’s what I am… I used to think this was my own fault, but I am generally pretty annoyed by the way the world works. The majority of the world seems to be brainwashed, or happily naive. Not completely sure how the wealthy could just keep making money and not turn around and give it back, how they want to continue to push out the things that matter, take from life instead of giving, live less to gain more. We are truly in strange times.
March 28, 2020 10:02pm
Thoughts from a day of rest. Money defines intellectualism, I thought while searching for worthy movies. The Criterion Collection has a lot of notable classics, according to Wikipedia they are known for licensing “important classic and contemporary films”. Yet if I choose to bandwagon with this collection I would be forced to purchase yet another thing, weather it be a subscription or an actual movie. There do seem to be some movies in the collection that are reasonably priced on Amazon, but they are on Amazon, and besides that I already have an account to Amazon Prime Video (Amazon’s video streaming service for those of you who are not familiar), so I don’t want to pay more and again for entertainment. I’ve consumed most of what seems “important” on other streaming services, i.e. Netflix, HBO Now and, well, Amazon Prime. There have been a few “winners”, but mostly a lot of what chalks up to be wasted time. Time I could have used to decompress, meditate, stretch, run in circles, or something like playing with my wiener dog, Kendra.
All of the sudden I am curious, again, about my economic standing.
I have a strange almost unwilling obsession with economics, maybe obsession is a bit much. Regardless, this interest manifests through things like listening to NPR’s Planet Money or watching various YouTube videos, so it’s not really that much of an obsession as it is more of a media obsession, maybe. I am learning, economics, is basically philosophy, where things seem to grow further and further into some sort of absurdist void or mathematical equation that points to infinity, or a balance of pros and cons. Not a very typical for an artist, I wonder. But, then again, art is also defined by economic standing in so much as the way artists are selected. The “choice makers” and the “chosen” glorify their work ethic and great accomplishments as if to say they earned their place, which is probably often the case, however, is it? Mind you, I am not stating this viewpoint from an outside perspective, as I am an artist and I have been, and continue to be, “chosen” for opportunities, while I also choose or curate my own art that may involve other artist participation.
I am comfortable, I do not feel as if this pandemic has taken full effect, it seems unfortunate, but I kind of feel as if there are a lot of opportunities to be had here. For instance I might be able to get a low interest loan that I can actually manage, or even get for that matter. Or, better yet, I might be able to get a grant that I could (a) put on my CV and (b) use for my art, sometimes I feel like I think about my CV more then my art. I’m a monster, my morals are unethical and (insert academic jargon). Moving on there’s the fact that anyone will actually read this, I just wrote most of that sentence with my eyes shut. This is a new accomplishment for me, I enjoy physical feats… is typing with your eyes closed a “physical” feat? I’m sure the lines are blurred.
Earlier today I meditated for maybe 20 minutes at first, then another 40. I am working on getting to a 2.5 hour mark, I saw on some yogi videos that this qualifies as some sort of greater obtainment. Now is about greater obtainment. If you read this this far, will you please tell me you did. Even if it mean we have an awkward exchange or interaction, I would like to know if you felt it was a waste of your time. Same day 11:27pm